i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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