he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
