Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
