Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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