Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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