if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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