I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Operation Purity has been aborted
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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