Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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