dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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