You can't special order awesome
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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