dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
