I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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