i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
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