I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
