I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
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I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
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I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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