I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
