The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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