It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
