Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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