I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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