drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
