Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
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