I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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