shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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