Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
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