What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
