Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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