you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
