i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
