i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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