If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
