He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
