I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Enjoy the penises
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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