Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I wear drunk well.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
