Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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