So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
