why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
