I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Randomize
