Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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