It's like a parade of train wrecks.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
