i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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