Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
