I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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