so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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