this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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