apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
