You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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