no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
