I want you more than these girls want KFC
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
