It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
