You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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