addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
